Trading Habits

As I wrestle with learning to create new, healthier habits, I wanted to write to share my experiences and maybe gain some insight from my huge list of readers (crickets...).  It is still January (if I can post this in the next 45 minutes) and I know many of us are struggling with making our New Year's resolutions stick...like to blog twice monthly!  Tell me what has been working for you, or not working, in terms of accomplishing your resolutions thus far.

A habit is defined as "a fixed way of thinking, willing, or feeling" and "the process by which new behaviors become automatic is habit formation" and finally the most important point about habits "old habits are hard to break and new habits are hard to form because the behavioral patterns we repeat are imprinted in our neural pathways, but it is possible to form new habits through repetition".  Basically, we have made our habits semi-permanent.  This is kind of a scary thing...unless we focus on creating better habits.

I recently spent a bunch of time working with clients on SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound) as a way to make their New Year's resolutions more concrete.  They were given worksheets like the image below to help them break each goal down into steps.  Email me/comment for the simple form.

Some other steps to help break old habits and form better ones should include making sure you want to change.  If you are honest, do you really WANT to stop smoking or eating junk?  More importantly, are you READY to make the changes? Only make efforts to change the things that you desire to see changed.  If you can't be honest with yourself, how committed and successful will you become?

As any therapist will tell you, find out the reason for your bad habits.  Are you biting your nails or cursing out of nervousness or anxiety?  Once you can get an understanding of the cause of the problem, maybe you can fix it.

Remember to always include your support system on your goals.  They are here to help.  Are they still encouraging you to maintain those resolutions?  Good, then fill them in on your new and improved SMART goals and ask them to hold you accountable.

Finally, to achieve those goals, stay strong in the fight to change your habits and believe you can do better.  Believing in your success sometimes feels like half the battle.  For additional support, please contact me

What are your habits? Nail biting, smoking, risky sex, cursing, tardiness?  I encourage you to set your sights (and habits) on forming new habits like exercise, positive self-talk, better eating,or whatever it is you desire.  Good luck; I'm running this race right beside you.

Thanks to psychologytoday.com for some insight.

What Will You Create in 2014?

Happy New Year! I hope all of you have been blessed these first two days of 2014 and that it will only get better!

This new year, like many others, I began a daily affirmation type book. While this one is focused on financial freedom, there are so many books available that help us take baby steps; one day at a time. January is a great time to start one, hint hint.

In the introduction of The Wealthy Spirit, author Chellie Campbell says, " consciously or unconsciously, we create our lives. We create them out of our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and feelings, and the choices we make from them. Our life story is the sum total of our decisions".

This is a powerful statement. Did you know that YOU had so much power and control?! While I could (will) write a whole other blog on that, I wanted to make this a short one to simply encourage you to CREATE YOUR STORY. A new year is a new beginning and a chance for you to create your life story.  Over this year, let's learn to change our old, negative thoughts and attitudes into beautiful words of encouragement which foster positive self beliefs, so that the story we create becomes a happy, peaceful, successful one.

Wishing you many blessings for a successful 2014.

Don't forget to check out my regular columns in Delux Magazine (www.delux-mag.com) and SpokenVizions magazine (www.spokenvizions.com).

Life Coach v. Counselor and more

A recent Facebook post as well as questions from several clients recently prompted this blog post.  It has been a long time since I posted…although I have about 20 drafts saved.  I have been doing more than procrastinating; I’ve been busy writing articles for Delux Magazine (article 1 & article 2) and Spoken Vizions Magazine! Check them out when you have a moment.

Anyway…on to the topic. The short version of what could become a long rant about the differences between what a Life Coach does and what Counselors, Social Workers, Psychologists, etc. do is this:

Professionals Counselors offer services that are a better fit for the vast majority of people.

Life coaches are not qualified to address issues of one’s past or any ongoing mental health issues such as anxiety or depression, or working through issues such as trauma, divorce, social concerns, personal issues, or grief.  I believe most people are affected, in some way, by issues that require more skill than a Life Coach can provide.

Here is my brief summary of what each of these professionals generally do, which is based on education, experience, and the 2008 article posted in Counseling Today:

Life Coaches work with clients to set and reach their goals related to life and/or work.  They offer support and hold clients accountable.

Social Workers (though some have clinical training) are generally trained to connect people to services and address human services issues on personal and community levels.

Psychologists work with individuals who struggle with mental health concerns.  They are trained to test and diagnose patients.

Psychiatrists are physicians who work from a medical model.  They most often prescribe medications for clients suffering from depression and severe disorders such as schizophrenia.

Counselors view clients as “stuck” versus “sick”.  We help people find healing from issues in their past and to achieve their goals for living a healthy life.  We sometimes help connect people to services as well as offer career, marriage, and family counseling.

A great quote from the article sums it up: “Therapy is about uncovering and recovering, while coaching is about discovering.”  In my practice, I do both.  I want clients to come to my office and we work through their concerns and address what is keeping them from living up to their potential.  In addition, my clients leave with a plan.  I want them to be empowered to make the necessary changes they desire in their life.  Each week, we work on what is holding you back, and how we can reach your goals.  I want clients to be mentally (& socially), physically, and spiritually balanced and we work in all these areas.

I hope this “short version” helps clarify what each of these valuable professionals do.  Let me know your thoughts!

Bonus material beautifully summarized courtesy of Wikipedia: 

*****************************This is waaaaaay more info than most people need but…mental health professionals work from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).  The DSM-IV organizes each psychiatric diagnosis into five dimensions (axes) relating to different aspects of disorder or disability:

Axis I: All diagnostic categories except mental retardation and personality disorder. Examples: depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and schizophrenia. Counselors, Clinical Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists address these issues.

Axis II: Personality disorders and mental retardation. Examples: paranoid, schizoid, borderline, antisocial, narcissistic, histrionic, avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive personality disorders; and intellectual disabilities. Psychologists and Psychiatrists primarily address these issues however many Counselors and CLINICAL Social Workers are also trained to work with clients with some axis II diagnoses.

Axis III: General medical condition; acute medical conditions and physical disorders. Physicians address these issues.

Axis IV: Psychosocial and environmental factors contributing to the disorder. Counselors and Social Workers address these issues. (You would be paying a fortune to talk to a Psychiatrist about these issues!)

Axis V: Global Assessment of Functioning or Children's Global Assessment Scale for children and teens under the age of 18.*****************************

Spiritual Growth and the Importance of Balance

These last few months have been challenging for me on several levels.  I own a rental house and had another set of terrible tenants.  They never paid on time, complained every month, left the house nasty, broke several parts of the lease...ya' know, the usual dream tenant!

Apparently, renters think all landlords are rich and don't need the rental income.  This is NOT the case for most property owners I know, including yours truly.  I am a recent college grad and I work in social services so I am rich with knowledge and passion...but money, not so much!

The family left without leaving me the keys (4 locks to change x $40 each), without paying the last 2 months rent ($575 x 2), without cleaning ($350), and pending legal fees ($$$) to try to track them down.

I am sharing all this to give you perspective of how I feel and to show how this negative situation has become a positive learning and growing experience for me.  I want soooo badly to text them messages along the lines of "you obviously need the money more than I do", "you are a thief", etc...  NOT a very nice, mature, or classy move on my part...but it would make me feel better, right?  Wrong.  Not only would it make me feel mentally worse, but it wouldn't change my situation nor would it take away the headaches and stress this situation has caused, or remove any other physical issues I have had as a result of this major decline in my personal finances.  I have been so worried I stopped exercising and caring about other things in my life!  I allowed a single situation to escalate into a major dilemma affecting many parts of my life.

I reflected on what I would say to my clients if they found themselves in this situation. Being hateful is NOT on my list. I encourage clients to learn from every situation about how they could improve themselves and to find sources of relief.  Leaning on God often comes up.

I found myself reflecting on the Lord's Prayer and Matthew 6:13-15:

Matthew 6:13-15 Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹³ And lead (bring) us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

¹⁴ For if you forgive people their trespasses [their ^[a]reckless and willful sins, ^[b]leaving them, letting them go, and ^[c]giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their ^[d]reckless and willful sins, ^[e]leaving them, letting them go, and ^[f]giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses.

I realized that this was a part of both my personal and spiritual journey and God was giving me yet another chance to get it right.  Being evil is only going to make it worse for ME, not them, and I would be taking steps backwards.  I reminded myself to stop the pity party, and lean on God because He has already worked it out.  Unbeknownst to me a few months ago, I would end up being able to rent the house to a family member in need and NOW is when they needed it.  If only I would have been patient and prayed for peace...

This situation reminds me of the importance of balance in all aspects of our lives.  Trinity Wellness is built on the belief that one's mental, physical, AND spiritual lives must all be in balance as they are all very interconnected.  I made my self depressed, became angry at God for not blessing me with money immediately, and stopped exercising which made everything worse.  I have been out of balance and a hot mess!  These last few days I have been able to pray, read my bible, exercise, and remember just how small this situation really is.  By this time next year, I won't even remember these moments.

I encourage all of you to keep things in perspective and when one thing gets out of balance, continue to maintain the other areas of your life.  Don't allow a negative situation to throw you off.  Find your spiritual center, journal, meditate, go to therapy, read your Holy book, talk to whomever you subscribe to, and KEEP GOING with the rest of your life!  Things will get better and you just might help someone else out along the way.

Sorry for the long post but I hope this helps someone else on their journey to balance!  Take care.

What motivates you?

Sometimes, we all need a little boost.  Where do you get that extra push to help you keep going when life gets tough?

Motivation is defined as what drives you to do something.

As a therapist, I encourage my clients to find intrinsic motivation (or an internal reason) for doing what they desire or need to do. I believe that intrinsic versus extrinsic factors leads to long term results and a more fulfilling sense of accomplishment. One can't, or shouldn't, live their life according to what others want for them. It will make you crazy!

For me, I have finally found my internal motivation for weight loss. This journey has been slow, and at times painful, but I am doing what needs to be done for ME! Even though I am doing it for me, it helps to have external support for the times when this journey gets really hard. Sometimes a phone call from a friend, a compliment on my shrinking body, or a note from one of my trainers is just the push I need to stay on track.

Where have you found motivation and why?

KEEP GOING! You WILL succeed if you believe you can. In the words of Henry Ford: whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.

Happy April!

New Year's Resolutions...or not!

Today is January 10th, 2013.  Are you still on track for those resolutions you made less than 2 weeks ago?  If not, welcome to the club.  If you are, CONGRATULATIONS, but you will "fail" soon too. 

"Well OMG Karen, that's harsh!"  I know it is, but it's not our fault and there is some good news here.

To sum up a Psychology Today article, human beings (and our four-legged companions, too!) simply are not in complete control of our brains.  We are designed to fail.  And I hear you asking, "So if I can't control myself, then why even bother?"  We bother, and I encourage you to continue trying because you CAN succeed.  Our resolutions need to become HABIT; not just an annual thought.  Don't beat yourself up or stress out over "failed" efforts to keep your New Year's resolutions.  You have to keep trying in order for this new habit, to become the norm.

Every day is a new day, a fresh start.  (We survived the Mayan Apocalypse a month ago, we have to keep going right?!)  The more you try (and stay positive doing so), the greater your odds of success.  Furthermore, you never really start back at square one.  You are never the same person you were when you first started the journey to lose those 20 pounds, start eating better, or stop smoking.  You have learned something about yourself, you have improved, and you are a better person for not giving up.

Keep moving forward!  As far as I am concerned, today is a great day to CONTINUE, not start over, on your path to ___(insert your resolution here)_____.  A great way to increase your odds of success is to be held accountable.  Tell your friends, coworkers, and family your goals and ask them to help you.  If you see me eating unhealthy food or spending money, STOP ME!  Remind me that I can lose 30 pounds and I want a bigger house and you are here to support me.  I will do the same for you.  Feel free to leave your resolutions in the comments.

As always, I am here to support you on your journey.  Please feel free to contact me.  Visit www.trinitywellnessstl.com for more information.

Best of luck and Happy New Year!

Karen

Black suicide and the stigma of mental illness

After the suicides of some prominent African-Americans in recent history (Junior Seau, Chris Lighty, Don Cornelius), I came across an article about the stigma of suicide in the black community: http://blackdoctor.org/12194/black-suicide-stigma/  I also recently took and passed a simple suicide prevention and referral test which is open to anyone here: http://www.asklistenrefer.org/

In the black community, mental illness has a negative stigma.  Those afflicted by some form of mental illness are seen as "crazy" or "messed up" and are mocked or avoided rather than helped.  This only perpetuates the cycle.  One of the parts of the article that resonated with me was "This culture of silence continues to be a significant risk factor for many health disparities in the Black community, particularly mental illness...".  If we are hurting, why don't we ask for help?

What is mental illness?  Almost anything that affects a person's regular/normal functioning like depression, anxiety (bad nerves), and/or hearing voices or seeing things that are not there. Some causes can be: clinical illnesses, medical problems, legal troubles, relationship troubles,  drug and alcohol use, violence, money problems, and more.  Black women and returning veterans are at a higher risk than most for experiencing depression and suicide attempts.

We, as a community, need to break away from this cycle of self-abuse. Instead of putting one another down, try lifting people up.  Offer help...even if you don't know what "help" means.  A threat of suicide is often a cry for help and all you have to do is listen and refer them for professional help.  There should be NO SHAME in asking for help.

If you or someone you know is hurting, there are ways to help.  Be a friend and listen to someone who might be at risk.  Don't be afraid to ask them are they thinking about suicide.  The church is a good source of help for black Americans as we tend to rely heavily on our faith in God.  There are all kinds of counselors in the community who are able to offer services as well.  If you are not insured, ask for a sliding fee scale. Some counselors (and future counselors like me!) will provide services at low or no cost to those in need.

Suicide in the black community is real.  When people make threats, BELIEVE THEM!  They are not crazy, they need our help.