Damn You Society

After tossing and turning last night, I needed to vent and this "poem" is what appeared.  I am not a poet, but it was therapeutic to write and share my feelings.  My goal with any public post, is to create dialogue and hopefully help someone else.

Going through a doc program is crazy and anyone who does it is a little crazy.  Why anyone puts themselves through this is beyond me...but I love it.  Some of this writing is a result of a good but long semester, and most of it is just growing through this thing called life, in a "post-racial" America.  When I have the energy, I will blog more about that later.

My doctorsisters (my PhD cohorts and very very close friends) and I are starting a new venture (is that what we are calling it B & D?!) so stay tuned for doctorsisters.com.

As always, your comments and opinions are welcome here.  Follow the blog and find me on YouTube (Trinity Wellness)...because I don't have a million things to do already, lol!

Damn you society for making me feel as if something is wrong with me.
Damn you society for all the pressures you put on women.
Damn you society for the pressure to be skinny, but everyone else modifies their body to look like what I was naturally blessed with.
Damn you society for poisoning the minds of my beautiful, black people; telling us all our men are gay or incarcerated.
Damn you society for all the “go to college, find a husband, and do it all before 25” rhetoric.
Damn you society for saying that women should be married.
Damn you society for telling me all the things I am doing are in the wrong order.
Damn you society for telling me black women are baby mommas and not pretty enough.
Damn you society for making me feel inferior for not having/wanting kids.
Damn you society for dangling the carrot of higher education in front of me, then telling me I won’t find a man now because I'm too educated.
Damn you society for making me work harder than my white and/or male counterparts for less pay and accolades.
Damn you society for making me feel less than.
Enough.
This pressure is toxic.  It encourages us to stay in bad relationships in order to “check the box”.  It makes me dumb myself down.  It makes me push away the good ones who are taking their time with me.

I am happy and good enough just the way I am.  On my own timeline.  Following my own rules. PhD.

I am creating a new mold for black women, for me, for any future daughters.  Damn society and its rules.  DO. YOU!


#Doctorsisters  doctorsisters.com…coming soon

Parenting Teenagers

Parenting can be a very challenging job.  Your role is to grow healthy, productive, successful adults that you still have to love through their challenging toddler and teen years when they can sometimes seem unlovable.  One of my preferred parenting methods, Love & Logic®, perfectly addresses this conundrum and offers techniques that reduce parenting stress.

The basic concept of Love & Logic® is that tough life lessons are better learned in childhood when the stakes are minimal, and parents are there to guide and love children through the growing pains, with the idea that we learn and grow from doing not by being told or having everything done for us.  For example, you remind your child to pick up her bike and put it in the garage.  She fails to do so and the bike is stolen off the front lawn.  You hug her through her tears and let her know because she did not take care of her things, which you purchased, that she must repay you for the bike.  This is a great opportunity (after the emotions have eased) to teach her about consequences. Hopefully, she will learn to take care of her things, on the first request, and avoid a much more expensive lesson with her iPad or laptop.

Love & Logic® is also helpful for reducing the back and forth arguments with teens.  The ‘broken record’ technique can greatly reduce arguing with an unruly teenager.  No matter what your child says, repeat “I love you too much to argue” and they will have no one to argue with.  Once you state the family rule or directive, any further rebuttal should immediately be followed with, “I love you too much to argue”.  Use a loving, non-sarcastic tone, and remember don’t argue back!

There are many helpful tools available in the Love & Logic® books that I highly recommend to help raise smart and independent kids who are capable of making their own healthy choices.  If you would like more information, please reach out to me!

Happy Thanksgiving

Hey friends!  Please watch this quick video about staying present for the holidays.  Comment and subscribe please and enjoy your holiday!

I started my YouTube channel (finally) and would love for you to follow me there.  I plan to post both blogs and vlogs waaay more frequently (but not too much) about health and wellness topics.

Click to visit & subscribe to my YouTube 

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Karen

Are you REALLY following your religion?

Are you following Jesus or someone else?

Jesus doesn’t say to only help those who look like us, or agree with our politics or beliefs.  He commands us to help even the least of us.  It is not up to us to decide who to help.  When a friend, enemy, or stranger is in need, it is our duty to help them; no ifs, and, or buts.

I am ashamed to be affiliated with a religion that more times than not, is publicly hateful to a group of people and claim it in the name of their faith.  NO FAITH, teaches us to shun, shame, or harm another.  When we can all learn to love one another, regardless of our personal or religious beliefs, this world can begin to heal.  Until then, fight on…in the name of “Christian principles”.

Finally, this post is not about convincing anyone to be any religion.  My goal is to promote wellness and a better community.  If you identify as Christian, are you following Jesus, or what the church tells you?  If you are Muslim, are you reaching out to educate those who do not understand?  If you are Buddhist, are you sharing the peaceful principles of your faith to help others gain supreme happiness?  If you are a non-believer, are you living your life accepting and open to all positive experiences?

³¹ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:31-40

A "New" Kind of Healing

When I started Trinity Wellness, my purpose was to offer natural ways for people to balance their mind, body, and spirit.  I constantly strive to learn new ways to help people get better.  Whether it is adding a new healthcare professional to my network of referrals, taking a class on mental health issues, or learning a new hands on technique, I am always adding ways to help my clients.

One of the newest things I have learned is Reiki healing.  According to reiki.org: Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy. 

One of the attractions to Reiki was that it is such a relaxing experience that offers healing on a deeper level than verbal communication.  The image below gives a concise list of the benfits of Reiki: relaxation, removing blocks from your life, stress reduction, improved health and well-being, pain relief, and a balancing energy.

I know my Christian readers might take issue with what I also once thought was anti-Christian, new-age, witchcraft, but have found it to be beautifully aligned with my spiritual beliefs.  Aside from the obvious that Jesus was a healer and encourages us to do the same (Matt 10:8 Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give), the principles of Reiki are some of the exact things we strive for as Christians. 1) just for today, I will not be angry, 2) just for today, I will not worry, 3) just for today, I will be grateful, 4) just for today, I will do my work honestly, and 5) just for today, I will be kind to every living thing.
 
I received my Level I and Level II training from a St. Louis healer, Susan Brockmeier, and the training was a great experience.  I highly recommended everyone try Reiki to see if they are able to relax and notice a difference in their well-being and overall health.
 
I am excited to offer this new service to my clients at an introductory rate of $25/session.  Sessions last 30-45 minutes and are NOT a part of any coaching or counseling.  Give me a call for coaching, counseling, Reiki, or referrals to a healthcare provider. (314) 569-9990 or info at trinitywellnessstl dot com

Everyone is Tired

I am tired. Everyone I talk to is tired. None of us can sleep and our daily functioning is a struggle.

This week is the second week of the Ferguson protests after the murder of Michael Brown by a police officer. I have personally been involved in protests and helping the community on several occassions and it is physically draining. To add to that, the constant negativity on the news and social media, and the racism which seems to be on level 1000, is mentally draining.

As a counselor (and human), I worry when I hear my friends talk about their lack of sleep and increased stress levels.

Bear with me for a very concise biology/psychology lesson on STRESS...
Lets assume our bodies function best between a level 3 - 5 on a scale of 10.  When we get stressed, we go up to a max of 10. Stress is a release of chemicals by the brain which are designed to help regulate our bodies...get it back to a healthy 3 - 5 level. Too much or repeated stress means our bodies are producing lots of chemicals which makes our bodies essentially adjust to a higher level of "normalcy", say a 6 - 8. This mean our breaking point, level 10, is much closer. Our bodies respond with all sorts of physical and mental problems such as headaches, loss of good sleep, moodiness, stomach problems, weight gain, and more. If we do not learn to manage and lower our stress level, we can get up to a level 10 which manifests itself as angry outbursts, breakdowns, panic attacks, heart attaks, ulcers, rage and violence, and even death.

Personally my stress manifests itself as acne, sleeplessness, moodiness, exhaustion, and nausea and stomach problems. I don't have energy to exercise or work which creates a nasty cycle of weight gain, moodiness, depression, and then more stress.  I am on a level 6 most days and add in this Ferguson and racism issue and I am on an 8.  My fear is that many of you are as well. This is too close to 10 to be healthy. Are we all about to snap?!?!

So that I spare someone from getting cussed out, I need a refresher on stress relief so I thought I would share some tips with you as well.

1. Try meditation -- Meditation allows your mind to stop working so hard and just relax. Even a few minutes a day can do wonders for your mood.

2. Exercise -- A brisk 20 minute walk will release "happy" chemicals in your body. In addition, it can keep you healthy and maybe shrink your waist...which always makes me happy! Try walking, swimming, dancing, yoga, or weightlifting for a great workout and mood changer.

3. Remove the stressor -- Tired of the racist social media comments? Unplug. Tired of the negativty on the news? Unplug. Tired of your boss or kids? Take a break. It is okay to have mommy time out and it is NOT okay to have unused vacation or sick days. USE THEM!  If you hate your job, find a new one. If I have learned anything from recent events, it is that life is too short. Do not stay stuck in a job you hate or in an unhealthy relationship.

4. Eat well -- While comfort food gives us a few moments of joy, we all know the long-term effects of an unhealthy diet.  When under stress, make the focused effort to eat right. More vegetables, fruit, and real food, and less sugar and processed foods.

5. Enforce good sleep habits -- So I get that when you are stressed you can't sleep. Trust me, I KNOW!  It is crucial that we practice a healthy bedtime routine in order to get good sleep. No booze, food, electronics, or exercise too close to bedtime. And allow 8 hours a night during stressful times. If that means you go to bed at 9pm for a week, so be it.  And avoid sleeping meds; allow your body a chance to heal itself. *I will not take Benadryl, I will not take Benadryl...

6. Phone a friend -- Make sure your support system is checking on you. It is okay to need people and now is a great time. (Thanks A.M. and B.O. for being there for me!)

7. Practice balance -- Are you doing too much? Learn to say "no" or take a hiatus when needed. I have reduced my protest days and intensity because I need a break. No cussing out the riot police for this gal!  Take things slowly and make sure you allow for work, play, and quiet times everyday.

(Anyone who knows me knows I enjoy the occassional, small (lol) glass of wine, so why did I leave that out as a tip? Though there are some benefits to drinking wine, when under serious stress, alcohol tends to worsen problems such as restless sleep and increased displays of emotions (crying and stupid behavior ie drunk dialing or fearlessness). Under this level of stress, try to avoid excessive alcohol use. And cake.)

I will write more on each of these 7 tips soon but for the most part, you KNOW what to do already, you just need to DO IT!  Good luck destressing. Please comment or email me with thoughts, questions, or for individual counseling.

*This blog post, and all others, are not intended as medical advice or counseling. Don't even think about suing me!

Randomness: this picture makes me yawn everytime!

Rise above

Rise Above

By: Karen Banks, M.Ed., PLPC

Owner/Therapist - Trinity Wellness, LLC

@TrinityWellSTL

Image from quotesvalley.com

This is an excerpt from an article I originally published in SpokenVizions Youth magazine.  For the full article, please subscribe!

Throughout our daily lives, we are often surrounded by media, especially music.  What influence does music have on you?  Does it inspire, either positively or otherwise, you to create beautiful poetry?  If a vast majority of popular music is misogynistic, hateful, celebrating drug use and careless sex, and encouraging killing each other, what influence does that have on your psyche and thus your creativity?

Think about these few words, subscribe and read the entire article, then write a comment and let's chat about your thoughts. I would love to hear from you!  If for some reason you cannot access the article, after an extended period of time, I will return to post the article in its entirety.

Karen